Bots that set my teeth on edge

Below are some Facebook features I would like to see added. All kinds of auto reply and bot stuff exists for business pages and business accounts, and there are countless examples of hacking up facebook via the API’s. I’m suggesting that these features become first class citizens in the Facebook UI directly.

1. Content-based auto-sentiment response system:

If everyone thought that everyone else was truly into their shit, we'd all be so much happier. And of course, we also want people to know how wrong we think they are about stuff. Thus, this feature would pump up *all* egos. I'd like a simple three column table where each row is a facebook friend, some tags/keywords where I data enter shit that they are into, and my expected sentiment response or a canned short phrase like "this is so awesome!” Example: if my friend Pete is into John Cage, and I hate John Cage, I want facebook to always post a mad emoji when Pete posts something about John Cage.

(Rationale: I don't want to spend energy maintaining my friendships because I'm a jerk, but I want a happier and/or more critical world where peoples' egos are regularly massaged and/or attacked as I see fit)

2. Doppelgänger bot:

I want to go dark for a period of time but have facebook continually auto-post some news articles, twitter screen grabs, or other pictures with a short, witty remark that sounds like it came from me. I want people to think I'm a social creature and that having and maintaining online connections is what gets me up in the morning. This should be a no brainer because all of the data is there, including all of my past brilliant literary nuggets as well as numerous types of public news, media, or other crap that I and/or my friends are already into. This feature should also tag one or two of my friends - from time to time, seemingly without pattern - based upon similar shit that they have posted in the past.

(Rationale: I'm a lazy fuck but I want people to think I'm crazy industrious, read a ton, and have lots of important opinions on stuff)

3. FOMO bot:

Similar to the doppelgänger bot, but this one is a little harder. When my friends post things that are awesome, or milestone events, or any other kind of typical FOMO baloney, I want facebook to smartly create a new fictitious anecdote of something I did that is similar to their example. And that story needs to have occurred way in the past. It has to be believable, innocuous, and dated. Example: if a friend says "Can't believe we just saw Oprah and Bradley Cooper having lunch, check out this selfie we got", I want facebook to post a comment like "I ran into Bradley years ago at <lookup popular place or location here>. He’s so awesome!"

(Rationale: I want to be as exciting, adventurous and awesome as you and I want to create the illusion of shared experiences between us because I’m a psychopath)

4. Awesome bot:


Actually, forget the first three features above: all I really want is a “that is so awesome!” response bot, because all human language and communication is already heading toward this single phrase as the totality of all possible things to say. Might as well get a jump start on it, amarite? Please make it smart enough to not post “that is so awesome!” when someone talks about a tragedy, death or similar. And it should understand the critical difference between “that is so awesome!” and “this is so awesome!”

 (Rationale: this is so awesome!)

 

Thanks in advance, facebook!

 

* The proceeding text is satire, I do not actually advocate building these features into facebook.