Actually Surviving Whole Foods

The following is satire. I don't condone trying these things...


I was reading this great article entitled Surviving Whole Foods and it reminded me of this guy I know really well. He related the following concepts to me recently. This is what he said about "How to Hack Whole Foods"

The way I hack Whole Foods is during lunch time. You can get a really awesome meal out of a Whole Foods store during lunch for either A) about 89 cents, or B) for nothing, depending on your risk appetite. You've got to do this at 12:30 at the height of American lunch time. Perhaps you can do it when it's quieter, but during lunch, the robot minimum wage hippies as well as the robot consumers they are attending to just don’t have the time to watch you while you hack yourself a free lunch. You can do this every day over and over again if you have confidence and a belief in yourself. Remember, you are the paying consumer – you are the 'customer'.

There are a few sections in a Whole Foods which have maximum freebie goodness, and a few that are basically Siberia. Let's start in the veggie and fruit section. You are looking for loose types of veggies and fruits, such as grapes or other small berries in bunches or open containers, green beans, loose lettuces, and anything else you like. Have at it! Actually, hold that thought. Let's start over. Don’t be a douche about this. Take a few cherry tomatoes, move along. Now contemplate the firmness or crispness of something. Move along. Etc. You'll get the hang of it. Free Samples? Duh, of course you are taking these. Twice. The non-douchy way to deal with free samples is to take a bunch, move on, circle back for seconds, move on. Etc. If you like the samples that are out, go back 3 or 4 times.

Various aisles that are worthless to you: crackers, canned goods, drinks, etc. There are usually like 7 or 8 of these barren wastelands. Move along.

Deli/Cheese: OK here we go. Usually there are more samples, and guess what? No samples? Ask for one! Especially a nice expensive cheese or piece of salami or other cold cuts. You're thinking about getting pounds of it for a party, right? Olive Bar? Yep. You need to ensure quality by having a few. Oh, those don’t taste goodat all. Move along.

Before you hit the hot food area, circle back to cosmetics. What? Yes, you heard me, in particular the creams. Here's a chance to get the real primo shit for absolutely nothing. They always have "testers" in this area. My favorite thing to do is to use face cream on my hands. My hands deserve what your stupid store thinks my face deserves. I especially like the super expensive stuff. Slather it in, and then move along. If there's a lot of sun in your area, go for the sunscreen testers and keep yourself young-looking...

If you see any other samples of any kind whatsoever, take one, and if possible, take two.

Lastly, back in hot foods, take one of the open plates – not the paper containers – and start loading it up with food you like. It has to be small, fingery foods, not some slab of ham or shit like that. Fill the plate but not too much. Now keep circling, looking at product, and nibble away at your plate. You don't want to clear off the whole plate, dumbass. Maybe about 20% of it tops. Keep moving like a shark, acting all interested in random soy crap or gazillion dollar wheat-free crackers that they always put out on their end cap displays. Then put the place down somewhere, as if to say "oh I need to look at this other sparkly thing, and this plate of food is a distraction to my delicate gluten-free senses". Oopsie, you moved on and forgot the plate didn't you? Oh well… etc, you get the idea.

You should be well fed by now. After a good meal, I always recommend relaxation. Even a few minutes of letting your mind wander can really help your health. Find the longest checkout line – now look for an interesting magazine at the front of it. Take the magazine, get in line, and read something for fucks' sake! Learn about something new! Ignore everything and everyone around you while you are waiting in line – this is a learned skill and a valuable one. Screaming children? Get used to it. Someone has to breed, dude. Uppity urban hippies? Get used to it because this phenomena seems to get worse with each new generation. This part of the hacking is the quiet introspective part. You can test yourself to see how much you can speed read in the time allotted.

Near the front of the line, pick out some awesome dark chocolate candy or really, whatever you like. Something that’s 89 cents, or a 1.38 or something stupid like that. Remember, you are the customer. So consume some shit with actual currency already.

Make sure you tell the clerk to have a nice day. Do it sincerely, jerk. They work hard and they are treated like shit. No reason to make it worse for them, right?

Free food, free health products, and some free literature each and every day..